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There is no doubt that the Eurovision Song Contest is such an unimportant event, that when put alongside newsworthy issues such as peace in the north or rising interest rates, it scarcely warrants the column inches it receives. However it does have one role to play in our calendar year, even if it's not one of great musical importance. This yearly celebration of bonhomie and neighbourly good will, gives us the opportunity to observe and to some extent bond with our European neighbours. Such opportunities for competition are rare, especially as no-one gets injured or killed and defeat is shrugged off with no loss of honour or face.

As you know I work in the Applegreen complaints department and as such I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't complain. So its purely in the course of my duty, that I now ask the questions, what the hell were we thinking about when we chose this, (and believe me I pick my words carefully), 'dirge' of a tune about archipelagos and unstoppable springs? What criteria were used by the Irish division of the Eurovision Song contest adjudicating committee to whittle down all the entries to the final four? Did they set out to pick the most mind numbing composition or is it possible the other 499 entries were actually worse than this? No offence to Dervish, who did their best, God bless them.

Now, we wouldn't be much of a complaints department, if we didn't answer the complaints and offer some solutions for the benefit of our customers. One of the bosses favourite sayings is, give the people what they want. We all know the people want to have a good time and not feel let down, so after long consultation I offer the following advice to the tribunal or independent task force empowered with making our Eurovision choice next year. Let's send Podge and Rodge performing a thinly veiled pastiche of The Wild Rover with choreography by George Hook or weatherman Martin King singing a swing version of the following weeks weather forecast while he greets and names his entire extended family.

At least then we'll have a good reason for a Eurovision BBQ party in our globally warmed back garden and we can have a good laugh at ourselves and a bit of craic and as the boss says isn't that what the people want. If any of you have a better idea we'd be glad to hear from you, best idea wins a prize!