blog

Everybody loves a garden. When God decided to begin his little Earth experiment he began by doing a bit of gardening and creating man. God seems to have been particularly taken by the apple tree, so much so that he used the apple (a big red juicy one) to seal the fate of man for ever. I know it's a long way from the garden of Eden to the patch of land we now refer to as the garden. It's also hard to see the connection when you are faced with an overgrown lawn or a garden full of leaves. One thing is sure, most people have one, or wish they had one.

From 1 - 4 June, that's next weekend, Ireland's first major gardening event will take place at the Phoenix Park. The event features food exhibitions as well as a garden design competition and everything to do with the garden plus lots of family fun.

Applegreen and Lavazza are part sponsoring the Galleria Garden created by Dublin based garden designer Brian O'Hara. We are giving two free tickets for Saturday (2 June) at Bloom in the Park. All you have to do is answer the following question correctly:

Is Ireland's first major gardening show called

1. Room in the Park
2. Bloom in the Park
3. Boom in the Park
   

One of the bright sparks in the development department asked the boss if, when he stops into his local applegreen on the way home, he wanted to be vended or tended. The boss replied that he would have to think about it. He didn't give him an answer. Instead he did what he always does, he shoved it on to me and asked me to find out whether the customer wanted to be tended or vended and then to report back to him (presumably so he could give an informed reply and look like he knew what he was talking about).

I explained that my preference would be to never have to get out of my car. You are familiar with the microphone box thingy at Mc D's drive-in, well I sometimes wish they had one of those at my applegreen. My order would sound like this: lavazza cappucino, grab and go bag of brownies (for the kids of course), a banana, the irish examiner and phoenix magazine (the latest), one ham and pineapple heat and eat pizza and a liter of milk, please.

All of these items in a bag would then be placed on the passenger seat by a smiling person who would also place the coffee in the cup holder with a comment like, "enjoy" or "call again". That would make me drive off home with a smile on my face.

"Haven't you forgotten something" said the boss, with what could have been a look of disdain. "For one thing, you seem to want to be vended, then tended and secondly you haven't paid for anything!"

Trust him to spot that.

Sometimes these days it's very hard to tell fantasy from reality. So imagine my confusion as I watched the box the other night and Bertie took to the floor saying he was going to show us, the next steps. Enda calmly glided across the floor muttering something about contracts and partners, Pat Rabbitte led them all in a merry dance, Michael Mc Dowell did some form of pole dance in Ranelagh with John Gormley...then George Hook gave them 10 points and I realised I had fallen asleep watching the News and woken up during Celebrity Jigs and Reels.

Now it took me a while to notice the difference and I realised there's a thin line between the two, in fact I see no reason not to use that tried and trusted text voting system for the election. Forget all that complicated proportional representation stuff, one person one mobile, with a five minute window to vote as often as possible. We could even charge €1 a text and buy a few hospital beds with the proceeds.

The boss says I'm prone to flights of fantasy and should concern myself with reality, so I reminded him that the text system worked very well in the Eurovision Song Contest, he had to agree. You may have noticed the audience on Tubridy Tonight listened to my advice and voted to send Dustin the Turkey to the Eurovision next year, now that's a step in the right direction. All I have to do now is figure out which turkey to vote for on Thursday.

There is no doubt that the Eurovision Song Contest is such an unimportant event, that when put alongside newsworthy issues such as peace in the north or rising interest rates, it scarcely warrants the column inches it receives. However it does have one role to play in our calendar year, even if it's not one of great musical importance. This yearly celebration of bonhomie and neighbourly good will, gives us the opportunity to observe and to some extent bond with our European neighbours. Such opportunities for competition are rare, especially as no-one gets injured or killed and defeat is shrugged off with no loss of honour or face.

As you know I work in the Applegreen complaints department and as such I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't complain. So its purely in the course of my duty, that I now ask the questions, what the hell were we thinking about when we chose this, (and believe me I pick my words carefully), 'dirge' of a tune about archipelagos and unstoppable springs? What criteria were used by the Irish division of the Eurovision Song contest adjudicating committee to whittle down all the entries to the final four? Did they set out to pick the most mind numbing composition or is it possible the other 499 entries were actually worse than this? No offence to Dervish, who did their best, God bless them.

Now, we wouldn't be much of a complaints department, if we didn't answer the complaints and offer some solutions for the benefit of our customers. One of the bosses favourite sayings is, give the people what they want. We all know the people want to have a good time and not feel let down, so after long consultation I offer the following advice to the tribunal or independent task force empowered with making our Eurovision choice next year. Let's send Podge and Rodge performing a thinly veiled pastiche of The Wild Rover with choreography by George Hook or weatherman Martin King singing a swing version of the following weeks weather forecast while he greets and names his entire extended family.

At least then we'll have a good reason for a Eurovision BBQ party in our globally warmed back garden and we can have a good laugh at ourselves and a bit of craic and as the boss says isn't that what the people want. If any of you have a better idea we'd be glad to hear from you, best idea wins a prize!

What a wonderful thing immigration has been for the food/service industry and for Ireland in general. Anybody watching the debate on immigration last night on RTE 1 will have heard the various problems experienced by immigrants, as well as the problems caused by a mass influx of people ready and willing to work, often open to exploitation by greedy employers. Applegreen can certainly be proud of the way they have dealt fairly and equally with their non-Irish employees as indeed they can be proud of all those employees, many now occupying key positions within the company.

There are of course a lot of little problems which arise from the interaction of different nationalities, the language problem for instance. Sometimes this leads to misunderstanding. Often Lithuanian directness is mistaken for rudeness, but more often than not it's pure misunderstanding. Then there is a comic element which could not be captured by the best scriptwriter. The boss tells a story (over and over again) about an employee who's first language was not English. The chap, it seems, had learned his English from a colourful member of the development team. "You watch out "he said earnestly to a colleague one day "the shit is really gonna hit the van!"

The boss remarked that learning about other cultures is very enriching and part of life's rich pageant (perhaps that's why bosses spend so much time on holidays abroad). Don't forget to tune in to that greatest of European culture festivals The Eurovision Song Contest on Saturday. The rest of Europe has long realised it's great craic, and will be coming together for Euro BBQ's and parties while we continue to treat it with a reverence it scarcely deserves sending the likes of the god-awful 'Every song is a cry for love' last year (or as Podge and Rodge more aptly titled it 'Every song is a cry for a puck in the mouth')

One thing's for sure, traveling and learning can only be good things. God knows the Irish have been doing both for long enough. If you feel like keeping up those two great old Irish traditions
maybe sometime in the future you can try Latvia, Ukraine, Lithuania orPoland.

God, the weather has changed for the worse again... and just when I was getting used to the daily cycle to work. Not only was I saving a fortune in petrol, I was also getting some much needed exercise. Unfortunately it's back to four wheels for as long as the rain lasts and how long that's going to be is anybody's guess. As luck would have it I listened to the weather forecast this morning and immediately swapped the bicycle clips for the car keys. Twenty minutes later I was sitting in my car on the road to nowhere, wishing I hadn't skipped breakfast.

So I sat there, thinking to myself - what kind of life is this anyway... I mean every day I sit in the car, then I work, then I sit in the car again. Every weekend I sit in the car, I shop, then I sit in the car again and then guess what, for relaxation I sit in the car, visit the mother in law and then sit in the car again. Then it happened, the traffic started to move, but that wasn't all. In my head other wheels had also started to turn, the kernel of an idea started to take root in my mind, it was so obvious I was amazed I hadn't thought of it before. As we continue to spend more time in our cars daily without actually getting anywhere it was only a matter of time before starving motorists were ready for Car Cookin'!

I could see it all clearly now, with a few minor adjustments that I'm sure research and development could handle, we could have mini microwaves, back seat BBQ (for cabriolets) and there was even a health angle for the marketing dept., Car Cookin - Put a Grill in your Boot and Lose your Spare Tyre". I was excited, at last a way to impress the boss and finally get out of the complaints dept. L
uckily he was in his office, I could see his eyes glaze over as I told him my idea, every detail. When I finished he looked at me sadly and told me it would never catch on because after the election the roads would be finished and people would once again be able to make it to their local Applegreen and therefore would have no need to cook in the car.

I won't deny I was upset. For one fleeting moment it occurred to me he might take the idea, use it and then take the credit himself. It wouldn't be the first time I had that feeling, but then I suppose I shouldn't complain, I mean who am I going to complain to?

While munching my muesli bar in the canteen yesterday and drinking a cup of excellent Italian coffee I overheard the boss talking about the food industry. Now its no secret that the boss is passionate about his food and boy does he knows his oats. I tried to listen over the crunch of my muesli bar and caught a lot of the conversation.

Well they were talking takeaway food, functional food, health food, organic food, dashboard dining, desktop dining, grab 'n' go, heat 'n' eat, slurp 'n' burp (thought of that one myself!), fast food, slow food, frozen, chilled and even ambient food. Wow, at first I thought they were compiling some kind of kama sutra guide to food positions and techniques but when I asked the boss later he explained.

It seems that these are all food industry trends that have evolved over the years and that we should be watching out for changes and new trends so we can give the customer what he wants when he visits our forecourts and stores. I offered the boss a bit of advice and told him I didn't think that people would go for that "slow food" idea, that I would be swamped with complaints because our customers don't have time to hang about. Withering is a good word to describe the look he gave me before he went off muttering "slurp 'n' burp indeed, of all the..."

As I finished my muesli bar I couldn't help thinking that not only had I blown another opportunity to be promoted out of the complaints department, I had also forgotten to ask him how he planned to get that slow food idea off the ground.

Every forecourt operator has experienced the dreaded drive off, sometimes a genuine mistake as drivers get distracted by the ever increasing selection of food etc. available on forecourts these days and really do forget to pay for their petrol. Often however it's not so innocent and on some busy forecourts it is a daily occurrence.

A driver will simply tank up and drive off! In this case the manager must check cameras, call the police, do the paperwork etc. - a giant pain in the neck to all concerned. I did suggest armed guards on the forecourt but the boss was not happy with that suggestion. He asked me if I was crazy , he said that 99.9% of all customers were normal upstanding citizens and they wouldn't take kindly to guns on the forecourt. He then told me about a story he spotted on the forecourt trader website, he said it proved his point.

It seems that a customer walked into a forecourt shop in Leicester, England, only to find an armed robbery in progress. The customer found himself looking down the barrel of a gun, but insisted that he wanted to pay for his petrol and proceeded to do so, then he left leaving the gunman to get on with his robbery.

Personally I think the customer paid because of the gun to his head, proving my point about armed guards, but the boss insisted that the customer paid despite the gun to his head. He then went on to say (rather rudely I thought) that that was why he was the boss and I was in the complaints department. Point taken boss... point taken.

The boss invited the girlfriend and myself over to his house for dinner the other night. He cooked chicken with noodles and red chili sauce. It tasted suspiciously like the chicken and noodles that we sell in our shops but I said nothing, even when he moaned about slaving over a hot wok etc.

He said I should find out from people what they want to see in our shops and forecourts, ask them straight out he said. I asked him if we shouldn't sell those do-it-yourself breathalyser kits in our shops, but the boss said no. He said the only message worth giving out is: "if you drink don't drive" and vice versa. I guess he's right.

After a couple of glasses of wine I was just settling in for a good session and trying to steer the conversation around to the subject of money and my long promised pay rise when the boss turned to his wife and said "Darling, I think its time we went to bed and let these lovely people go home". The boss has a way with words. The girlfriend drove home.

I was just thinking last night that I have a few complaints myself. For instance, the way some people just park on parking spots designated for special needs drivers, or right in front of "No parking" signs.

Some people just dump their rubbish beside their cars and drive off, others tank up and drive off without paying!

Another thing... what happened to road manners? Seems to me that if people weren't so caught up in their own little universe and practiced normal basic courtesy to their fellow man, road accidents would measurably decrease.

According to the boss the customer is always right. That may be so, but I think the service industry gets a pretty hard time. Some people in other occupations get to be as rude as they like, some don't even appear in person, they hide behind the old "press one" routine... you know... "press one if you want this", "press two if you want the other" and finally after ten minutes, "all our agents are engaged" blah blah...

When I moved house, I went into one particular office (which shall remain nameless!) to change the name on my ESB bill. I had just spent 20 minutes on the phone from home doing the old "press one" routine and was to say the least a tad exasperated. So I jumped in the car and drove to the nearest ESB office thinking stupidly that some human contact might help. I strode up to the counter, flashed my best smile and explained to the expressionless lady that I had moved house and wanted to change the name on my bill, only to be directed to a phone on the wall where once again I was forced to play Press One...

I could go on all day but the boss says I'm not paid to complain, I'm paid to deal with customer complaints... and as we all know the customer (and the boss) are always right.

So Bertie took off to the Phoenix Park and had the President dissolve the Dail at 8 o'clock on a Sunday morning while the rest of the country was dissolving antacid tablets and trying to recover from Saturday night.

No sooner than you could say election, pile ups were occurring on roundabouts and corners all over the country as the political parties obscured motorists views with air brushed posters of our various political representatives.

It's not difficult to imagine the scenario here: you're motoring along and suddenly your line of vision is impaired by none other than the Minister for Transport. Or, you bang your head on the windscreen and need medical attention because you didn't see that truck coming behind the Minister for Health.

Far from me to complain... the boss has told me often enough that that's not my job... he says my job is to listen to other people complain... a bit like a politician. Personally I have no idea who I’m going to vote for but I did notice that on the way to work today Bertie wasn’t obscuring anybody’s view, no... he was up there topping the pole.

This morning the sun was shining yet again. I'm not used to such consistency in my homeland. Then it suddenly hit me: it's the bloody weather that's responsible for our inconsistencies!

The reason why things are rarely finished to our satisfaction in this country (Health Service, M50, Luas etc..) is, the weather changes, and our best laid plans go out the window.
Anyway... the boss said I should talk to motorists, passengers, transumers in general, and find out what they want.

You know that movie "What women want"? Well the boss says I've got to find out what transumers want. Transumers are people on the move, in cars, buses, people who pop in to our stores and forecourts to tank up on fuel, food, drinks or other daily needs.

The boss wants to know if they're happy with the service, the food, the toilets etc. and he says if they have any complaints they should send them to me.

I suggested they could send them to him but he said no... that I was the perfect man for the job!