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Were you ever in the middle of eating your favorite sticky chicken wings or succulent ribs when suddenly your phone rings and it's someone you absolutely have to talk to, or, a person you haven't seen in years walks up to your table with a hand outstretched to shake yours? Generally we make chicken like movements with our elbows, shrug our shoulders an adopt a look of frustration as the phone rings out or the person grins at your embarrassment. 

I got a right telling off from the boss about the village people blog." Really ' he said, "I have a good mind to stop this nonsense once and for all, If I had my way I would make some big changes around here, the financial world is falling apart, there's a new president in America and all you can think of are cars on bollards and YMCA" he stormed. "I want a blog that will touch people and make a difference, why don't you tell people about the wonderful new motorway service station we are opening on the M1 at Balbriggan." As the door slammed I was really regretting I didn't choose a different career path.

Maybe I could get a transfer from the complaints department to the new motorway station at Balbriggan. I've always fancied myself as a barista. I can see myself now signing my Lattes and Capuccinos with a deft flick of the wrist and delivering them to the customer with a confident "Enjoy!" Or, perhaps I could wear a uniform and greet people as they arrived, explaining the concept, showing them to the lift and helping people in general as they made their way to the wonderful upstairs seating area, showing them to their seats with a flourish.

The boss doesn't know how lucky he is to have me. Actually, I have a hell of a lot more in common with the new American president than he has. Barack Obama and I have a multitude in common. We are both left handed. We both use a Mac computer. Both of us take size 11 shoes and have 4 identical pairs in black. We've each read all the Harry Potter books. He and I collect Spider Man comics, love Bob Dylan and cook a mean Chili. Like I said the boss doesn't realise how lucky he is to have me.
I could have been the President of the United States.

As I drove home along the N7 one saturday morning just a couple of weeks ago I realized I had guests coming to dinner and was missing a few vital things. Good fresh bread for instance. What's the point in producing a wonderful Insalata Mista if you don't have some great crusty Scali bread.

At that very moment I remembered that Dunne and Crezcenzi, purveyers of authentic Italian food had opened at the Kildare Village Outlet Center which at that very moment had popped it's head over the N7 embankment whizzing by on my right. So, quick as a flash I turned off and headed for the place. I had often noticed it but was usually in too much of a hurry to stop.

I turned into the huge deserted car park and immediately wondered if the place was in fact open. Already 10.20 on a Saturday morning and yet little sign of life. Surreal is a word that comes to mind as I spotted a car perched atop a big stone bollard at one corner of the car park! Immediately my journalistic instinct took over and I whipped out my iphone to capture the sight.

That's when things started to get weird. Suddenly a hand tried to grab my phone and I was confronted by a person saying threateningly "We don't like photos at the village". Now when I feel threatened my mind goes into overdrive, in a flash several scenarios unfolded before me. One, the village had been attacked by aliens who were holding all the shoppers hostage inside and had popped the car up on the bollard in the massive car park just to show off their powers. that would explain the lack of shoppers and the general deserted air of the place. Two, the place is a front for some kind of secret service operation and really isn't a shopping center at all. That would explain the lack of shoppers and deserted air of the place. Three, perhaps there's a general sense of paranoia and self importance around the place due to the presence of all those big brands, but that wouldn't explain the lack of shoppers and general deserted air of the place or would it?

Just imagine you and your family have had first communion day breakfast at Dunne and Crezcenzi's wonderful Cafe at the Kildare Village and as you leave granny takes out her camera. She wants to take a picture of her favourite nephew, as grannies are wont to do. So the family lines up in the Village square, then, just as granny is about to click for posterity, out jump the Village people and shout, not "YMCA," but rather "We don't like photos at the Village", don't you think granny would be so disappointed...